he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
