I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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