i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
