Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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