1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
