Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The uberlube is also flammable
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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