Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I need a burrito and a hug.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
