I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
