My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
