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is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
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