Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Drunk is a universal language darling
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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