I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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