would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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