Got a toothbrush?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
