I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
