She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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