my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
