you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
