Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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