3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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