at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
