Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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