I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
