You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
