I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
