3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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