and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
