Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
