seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
