I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
