Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
