Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Randomize
