Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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