Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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