Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Someone signed my nipple.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
