I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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