Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
