just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
