I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
