found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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