Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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