im drinking this country out of the recession.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize