Swine flu. Run for my life!
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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