Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Randomize
