apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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