I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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