my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
