I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize