I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
