i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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