she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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