I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
