Whatcha textin bout Willis?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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