I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
