see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
