Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
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