your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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