mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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