hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
